Trials

On this blog, I try to focus on the good things. The positive. The things that make me smile. The portions of my life I want to remember because they are the ones I most cherish.

But I also think it's good to share some of the not-so-good. Not to dwell on these moments, but to simply share them from time to time.

That way, years from now, I can see what I've gone through and realize that I can get through the tough times.

Also, I think it's good to show my readers that my life isn't perfect. I'm not {in any way} perfect. I'm a real person. I have flaws. My house isn't always perfectly clean. In fact, it's messy the majority of the time. I'm almost ALWAYS behind on laundry. I lose patience with my son at times. And I have stashes of random things I was too lazy or busy to put away in the first place hiding in a few {or more} places in my home. 

And I'm okay with that. It makes me normal. It makes me me. 

Ever since Ryan was born, I've struggled with a couple different health issues. Well, to be truthful, both these health issues were present before I gave birth to my son. But both of them have gotten significantly worse in the past 16 months since he was born. And they are continuing to get worse day by day.

And I, the girl who hates going to doctors and dwelling on her own pain, finally said, "Okay. It's time to figure this thing out."

And we're getting both of them worked out slowly. But it's a struggle trying to figure out exactly what is wrong and how to fix it. 

It's also been really hard on me emotionally dealing with these issues. For multiple reasons.

Number one: They are both holding me back from being the wife and mother that I want to be. Among other things, I find it hard to get on the floor and play with my son as often as I would like. The pain is just too strong.

Number two: They have both contributed to weight issues and have made it extremely difficult to lose my post-baby weight.

Number three: This one has been perhaps the hardest for me to deal with. And I'm still struggling with it. These two issues have made a second pregnancy a thing for the future. My plan was to try to get pregnant again this February/March. But my doctor advised me to wait awhile, perhaps even one year longer. And I, with lots of thought and prayer, have agreed with this. In fact, I'd been feeling this way before my doctor even brought it up. I was just too scared to admit it to myself. I love being a mom. I want to be a mom again. I want to expand my family. Being a mother is what I'm here to do. And the thought of not being able to have another child now is heartbreaking. But I know it's the right thing to do. And who knows? Maybe these issues will get resolved sooner than I think and I will only have to postpone pregnancy plans for a few months. Maybe not. But I do know that things happen for a reason and what's meant to be will work out. 

These three trials associated with my health have caused me to reflect on how sometimes life isn't fair. How is it fair that some women lose their pregnancy weight a few weeks later without even trying while others diet and workout and can't even lose a few pounds? Why is it fair that I have to change my plan for my family--the plan that I've had perfected in my mind with the perfect age difference between my children? Why does it have to be this way?

But then I had a complete change of heart. It's true: sometimes life isn't fair. But that's okay. We're all given different trials in life. And those girls who instantly lose the weight after popping out a baby have trials that I'll never experience. That's just the way it is.

And these trials that I have are meant for me and me alone. They are the trials that I need to go through to take me from the person I am now to the person I'm meant to become. 

I know that everything is going to work out. And I'm grateful that I have my family, friends, and the atonement of Jesus Christ helping me through this tough time.