Ryan's Blessing

Ryan was blessed in church this past Sunday.

He had the cutest little white outfit.

I was obsessed with it.

It was a perfect day.

And, of course, I cried the whole prayer.

My Nightmare Come True

Every since Ryan was born I found out I was pregnant, I have had my fair share of nightmares.

First I had miscarriages--again and again and again.

Then I got in car crashes and lost him.

Next he was born stillborn.

Then he was born with major problems.

After that, he got stung by a scorpion in his crib.

And then he choked on his spit up and stopped breathing. Only this time, it wasn't a dream. It was real.

Yesterday I found out that Ryan has gastroesophageal reflux disorder (GERD). He's fine. We got him on some meds to help with the pain. But basically he cries a lot...especially after feedings because it hurts him. As a parent, it's so hard to watch your kid cry because he's in pain. You want SO bad to be going through the pain instead of him. But you just have to sit there and watch him suffer. And hold him tight trying to make it all better even though you can't.

With the GERD, he spits up a lot. And Ryan tends to spit up through his nose. He's usually fine. We had a couple slightly scary times, but nothing too big of a deal. 

Today I fed him then set him in his car seat when he fell asleep. I wanted to make sure if he spit up, he'd be fine. Just over two hours later, he got fussy. I picked him up and cradled him in my arms. Finally he fell asleep. A few minutes later, I heard him spit up. I sat him upright and grabbed his burp cloth to clean him up. 

When I looked back down at him, I noticed he wasn't breathing. I began to pat him on the back. He still wasn't breathing. I hopped up to get his syringe to clear out his nose passageway. I searched through my diaper bag, found the safety kit, unzipped it, pulled it out--all while still patting him on the back. Then I tried to use the syringe only to realize it was a cheap one that doesn't work at all. Mr. Nash had destroyed the good one. By this point he was very purple and I was becoming hysterical. I kept imagining the worst. I thought I was going to watch my sweet son die in my arms. I continued to pat his back and prayed like crazy. Then finally, he coughed and started to breathe again.

And then came the tears.

From both of us.

I immediately called Jess bawling. He soothed me as I soothed our son.

I still can't get the look on Ryan's face out of my mind. It keeps replaying over and over again. I hope I NEVER have to see that face again. It was terrible. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

Tonight, I'm very grateful that my son is alive and breathing. 

He's my perfect little miracle. 

Be the Best You Can Be Week #19

I'm going to try a new system for this. Once again I will set goals. I can take as long as I need to complete each goal. The goals can be long term, or simple and just for that week. But now, I'm going to have goal categories: personal, spiritual, health, writing, and other. Also, I'm going to have a weekly house project and a weekly craft to finish.

Personal Goal

Start to implement a schedule and get things done. The first couple weeks with the baby I got nothing done other than take care of him (which is a big job and I was totally satisfied with that). But now reality is back. I have laundry to do, dishes to clean, and a husband to feed. So I'm working towards making the best use of my time while still catering to all of Ryan's needs, getting the rest I need, and still spending precious time with my son (who is growing up much too fast already!)

Ryan 9/27/2010

Spiritual Goal

Read my scriptures daily. This has {sadly} gone out the window since he's been born. I need to get back. I'm missing out on my spiritual fulfillment. Speaking of which, I can't wait for conference this weekend. Yay! I can't believe it's already been 6 months.

Health Goal

Come up with a meal plan and/or healthy eating habit plan along with a workout plan. I'm ready to get rid of this baby weight. Plus, I want to improve my eating habits so my kids will grow up learning healthy habits from me.

Writing Goal

Spend some time writing every week, no matter how short of time that is.

via Connie B Photography

Other Goal

Family scripture study. Jess and I have been slacking at this.

House Project

Sort through wii games and dvds

Craft Project

Finish painting Ryan's canvasses for his nursery

 

Lucky

Lately I've been pondering how truly lucky I am.

{1} I have the most amazing husband in the entire world. Seriously. I don't know what I would do without him. He makes my life so much better, fuller, happier. And he's been such a great help since the baby was born. He's so concerned with how I'm doing. He always wants to help make my life easier whether that means running errands for me, watching the baby so I can sneak in a nap or a bath, or simply holding me when I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. He's my strength and my number one support. I couldn't do it without him.

{2} My son is perfect. Really, he is. I love him so much. He makes the cutest sounds and facial expressions. My new obsession is watching his feet when he eats. He does the cutest things with his toes while he's getting some yummy nutrition. You can tell he enjoys mealtime by watching his feet. It's so precious. Yes, we've had some rough days. And plenty of rough nights. But we've also had some really great ones where he sleeps completely through the night aside from waking up every 3 hours for food. And I wouldn't trade one moment with him, good or bad, for anything. It's those moments at 3 AM, running on empty, and holding him close while he cries that make me love him even more.

image thanks to Connie B Photography

{3} My parents are the greatest. They have been such a great help with this baby, especially my mom. She did ALL my laundry and straightened my house the couple days after we got home from the hospital. She's given me plenty of naps. She even took the baby overnight last Friday so Jess and I could get an entire night of sleep then go to a morning movie the next day. I'm not kidding. It was glorious, perfect, amazing. We were shocked. And--thank goodness--he was a little angel for her that night. But this whole experience would be so much harder without them. I'm glad they live so close!

{4} On top of all that, my friend Rasha posted this great quote as her facebook status today, "If you are wearing clothes: you are blessed. If you ate breakfast this morning: you are blessed. If you were hugged this morning: you are blessed. If you woke up in a bed: you are blessed. If you're reading this: you are more than blessed. Be thankful for what you DO have instead of what you DO NOT have. You're more fortunate than you know." I love this quote. It's so true.

I love my life. I love everything about it. I love the trials and hard times. I love the imperfectness of it. I love that it has bad days, that I have hard times and moments where I'm feeling down or inadequate, but that I can still look at things and call myself lucky.

10 Days

My baby is 10 days old today.

TEN.

I can't believe it.

I love how he sleeps

We've officially been home from the hospital for over a week now.

Time has gone by so fast...and yet I wish it would slow down.

He's already changing so much.

We've had some rough nights.

We've had some perfect ones.

One week old

My time is now spent feeding, burping, changing, cuddling, soothing, rocking, singing, and loving.

It's amazing.

In fact, as I type this, my son is curled up on my chest. He didn't want to sleep alone in his bassinet...he wanted to sleep cuddled up to his mommy. It's precious. 

Asleep at Grandmas for Sunday dinner

I love the way he looks at me.

I love the way that sometimes when he's crying, all he needs is to know that I am holding him and he stops.

I love how his little hand grasps my finger.

I love how the sound of my voice can calm him down.

I love being a mom.

It's the greatest blessing in the world.

I feel so unbelievably lucky.

Waking up to this = best way to start the day!

Meet Baby Ryan

My son is here. Finally. And he is absolutely perfect. 

Trying to get rid of some jaundice

  

With Grandpa

I am loving being a mother. Sometimes I just look at him and can't help but cry because I'm so happy to be his mom. I feel so blessed, and I love him beyond words. He is my little prince.

Here's the rundown.

All day Sunday I was having really bad back pain. I couldn't get comfortable. Nothing seemed to work.

Around 6:00, Jess and I headed to my parents house for dinner. As soon as I sat down at the table, things started to get worse. I had to keep standing up and walking around. Finally my mom said, "Are you sure you aren't having contractions and not just back pain?" I thought about it and realized that the pains had changed a bit. So I whipped out my handy-dandy cell phone timer and began to check for a pattern. In the meantime, Jess left to grab our hospital bags at home...just in case. But this time it was 7:00. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in fact having contractions first every three and half minutes, then every three, then two and a half, each lasting a minute long. They were getting more intense as time went on. Finally, I called Jess and demanded, "Where are you? We need to get to the hospital!" Luckily, he was walking up to the front door just then. We got into the car and the pain continued to increase. Jess let me squeeze his hand with each one.

We got to the hospital around 7:45, checked in, and they took me back to see how far I was dilated. I was already to a 7. They took me to labor and delivery and began to prepare me for my epidural. By the time they got that started, it was almost 9 (if I remember right), and I was dilated to an 8. This is when things got much better. Jess was cracking all kinds of weird jokes and my mom, dad, and I were all laughing. I felt great. My dad and Jess got pure enjoyment out of watching the screen that showed my contractions and seeing which ones were the worst. It became a competition. I didn't mind because I couldn't feel them. I only knew I was having one because my whole body would shake a ton. 

Jess acting as catcher for the baby

Jess watching my contractions

Around 11:30 I started pushing. Jess was amazing. He kept encouraging me to keep going. He breathed in with me. He held my hand when things got tough. He kissed my forehead. He definitely made things a lot better. 

An hour later at 12:27 AM on September 6, Ryan Jess was born. He was 7 pounds 2 ounces and 21 inches long. I watched the whole thing in a mirror and was so glad that I did. Seeing his little head for 45 minutes of my hour long pushing extravaganza was the only thing that kept me pushing.

Immediately after he was born, they placed him in my arms and I was instantly in love with my sweet boy. Everything about him was, and still is, perfect. He is such a good baby.

I am thoroughly enjoying taking care of my child. It is hard. The work is never ending. I'm super busy. But I love every minute of it. It's so worth it. 

I'm definitely glad to have him out of my tummy and into my arms!

I love you Ryan!

My World

--I haven't finished Mockingjay yet

--I'm hopefully getting a new (used) car soon. Hello Honda Pilot.

--I'm all out of food and have no motivation to go to the grocery store. Plus, my fridge and pantry DESPERATELY need to be cleaned out. Hello moldy bread and two week old guacamole leftovers...

--My husband brought me Golden Spoon last night. It was delish.

--I miss scrapbooking. It's been too long.

--Music makes everything so much more enjoyable. Thank you i-tunes and Pandora. Much love.

--I need to get to the ASU library to complete a homework assignment. But the thought of driving to Tempe, trying to find somewhere to park, then walking a mile keeps making me procrastinate it. Which isn't good because once this baby comes, the option of going to the library goes also...

--Baby shoes, clothes, toys, everything are too cute. I'm totally obsessed. I love going into the nursery and just looking at the little socks, onesies, etc. I can't wait until there is a little baby in them.

Happy Thursday!

Eight Days

Little Ry Guy,

When are you coming? I'd really like to know.Please make it soon. I want to hold you. I want to kiss your little toes. I want to feel your little hand grasp my finger. I want to watch you sleep and see your little chest move up and down. I want to sing to you. I even want to hear your cry.

Your dad wants you here, too. He keeps begging for me to make you come (like I can really control it). He really wants to meet you.

We both love you already, Ryan. Please come join us soon.

Love,

Mommy

Do you see that? On my sidebar?

Eight days until my due date.

Basically though, he could come at anytime.

And I can't wait.

His pack n' play/bassinet has been sitting next to my bed for a couple of nights now. I get all giddy when I look at it and realize that my son will be sleeping in it so soon.

But I know I'm going to be exhausted.

I already am exhausted.

Thanks to a combination of 39 weeks of pregnancy, uncomfortable sleeping conditions, lots of contractions (still false labor..gah), the arizona summer heat, extra weight, and stairs.

So yesterday, I relaxed most of the day. And today I plan to do the same. Reading, napping, a little bit of homework, giving my puppy extra attention, and I'm gonna force Jess to cuddle up to a chick flick with me before bed.  I don't think he'll argue.

Perfection.