My Nightmare Come True

Every since Ryan was born I found out I was pregnant, I have had my fair share of nightmares.

First I had miscarriages--again and again and again.

Then I got in car crashes and lost him.

Next he was born stillborn.

Then he was born with major problems.

After that, he got stung by a scorpion in his crib.

And then he choked on his spit up and stopped breathing. Only this time, it wasn't a dream. It was real.

Yesterday I found out that Ryan has gastroesophageal reflux disorder (GERD). He's fine. We got him on some meds to help with the pain. But basically he cries a lot...especially after feedings because it hurts him. As a parent, it's so hard to watch your kid cry because he's in pain. You want SO bad to be going through the pain instead of him. But you just have to sit there and watch him suffer. And hold him tight trying to make it all better even though you can't.

With the GERD, he spits up a lot. And Ryan tends to spit up through his nose. He's usually fine. We had a couple slightly scary times, but nothing too big of a deal. 

Today I fed him then set him in his car seat when he fell asleep. I wanted to make sure if he spit up, he'd be fine. Just over two hours later, he got fussy. I picked him up and cradled him in my arms. Finally he fell asleep. A few minutes later, I heard him spit up. I sat him upright and grabbed his burp cloth to clean him up. 

When I looked back down at him, I noticed he wasn't breathing. I began to pat him on the back. He still wasn't breathing. I hopped up to get his syringe to clear out his nose passageway. I searched through my diaper bag, found the safety kit, unzipped it, pulled it out--all while still patting him on the back. Then I tried to use the syringe only to realize it was a cheap one that doesn't work at all. Mr. Nash had destroyed the good one. By this point he was very purple and I was becoming hysterical. I kept imagining the worst. I thought I was going to watch my sweet son die in my arms. I continued to pat his back and prayed like crazy. Then finally, he coughed and started to breathe again.

And then came the tears.

From both of us.

I immediately called Jess bawling. He soothed me as I soothed our son.

I still can't get the look on Ryan's face out of my mind. It keeps replaying over and over again. I hope I NEVER have to see that face again. It was terrible. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.

Tonight, I'm very grateful that my son is alive and breathing. 

He's my perfect little miracle.